APR 9, 2010 – 12:00AM

I talk to my bikes.

Now, don’t get the wrong idea. We don’t meet at the coffee shop and discuss our hopes and dreams.

I don’t sidle up next to them at the bar and whisper sweet nothings into their … tubes.

I don’t reveal to them my deepest, darkest fears. Gimme a break. I’m a guy. I internalize them instead, let ’em twist around inside and fester, poisoning me from the inside out and … sorry. Got a bit carried away there.

But I do talk to my bikes.

I noticed it started innocently enough.

I’d be out on a long recreational ride, for example, and I’d think, “C’mon, just get me up this hill, then we’ll go for a nice, long coast.”

Or, caught out in a bit of bad weather, I’d think, “Please, just get me home before I get struck by lightning.”

Before long, I found myself saying those things out loud.

I guess it’s human nature to anthropomorphize.

My parents talk to their dog like it has the human capacity for reason. And higher math. Since they never had any kids, as my brother and I long have lamented, they treat the pooch like their beloved offspring.

I’ve heard of folks talking to their golf clubs or baseball gloves.

And though I’ve been known to direct an indecent word or two in my car’s direction, I figure it’s bad bikema (see what I did there? It’s like karma for bikes!) to speak crossly to my bicycles.

It’s nothing but soothing words of encouragement for my delicate little babies, like a few weeks ago when I patted my road bike on the back tire and assured her we’d go for a nice, long ride again soon. Promise.

I fear, however, I might have gone a bit far the other day.

I was getting my commuter out of the rack, and her handlebars got a bit tangled up with my road bike’s.

I was running late and in a rush, so I sternly rebuked, “You two, get along. There are enough miles for both of you.”

Then I stopped and sheepishly took a look around the empty garage.

I realized I was acting ridiculous.

“Poor babies,” I purred, patting each on the saddle. “Daddy’s sorry he raised his voice. You know you’re the best bikes ever.”